Graffiti girls nabbed
Published: Wednesday, Dec 13, 2006


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Petaluma graffiti-gang duo arrested

By ROSS LOCKHART

Two desperate criminals were brought to justice following a three-hour standoff with police after the duo’s orgiastic weekend vandalism spree horribly marred a peaceful historic westside neighborhood.

The suspects, girls ages 8 and 10, had used colorful chalks to scrawl the letters L-O-V-E on sidewalks, streets, and walls throughout the quiet suburb. These “tags” were identified by Special Agent Lyman Graff of the Department of Homeland Security’s anti-graffiti unit as “membership identifiers of the eastside Petaluma crime syndicate known as Lakeville’s Osama-Venerating Extremists,” a notorious Al-Qaeda-connected gang involved in all sorts of illegal and seditious affairs. “This wanton act of depravity,” stated Agent Graff, “is a clear signifier of anti-American sentiments held by these hardened criminals, clearly the gang’s ringleaders, and their terrorist-sympathizing ways.”

“They’re just children, for cripes sake,” shouted Raging Grannies organizer and neighbor Violet Francophile, shortly before she, too was arrested for disturbing the peace and expressing dissent outside of an officially-sanctioned Free-Speech Zone.

According to a joint press release from the Mayor’s Office and City Council, “Eradicating our graffiti problem has become Petaluma’s top priority, far outranking potholes, the methamphetamine epidemic and safer streets, in recent developer-commissioned studies. By involving the Department of Homeland Security, we send the clear message that artistic expression, like other potential forms of terrorism, will not be tolerated in our fair city.”

The girls, whose names have not been released due to their ages, are being held without bail at the Petaluma police station while they await deportation to the Guantánamo Bay detainment camp. Local anti-graffiti activist Throckmorton Shibboleth offered his views. “They were caught with chalk, a proven gateway to other dangerous graffiti-enabling substances, all over their hands. That’s more than enough proof for me. I say put we ’em away for life. Oh, and tell those darn kids to stay off my lawn.”